I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
