I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
