I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
