I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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