chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
