So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
