Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
