Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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