I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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