So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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