Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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