i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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