the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
