is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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