could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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