My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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