Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
