I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I will pee on everything he values.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
