I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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