she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
