Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
