Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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