Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible