she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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