i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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