I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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