Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
