in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
