Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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