are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
