I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
