i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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