Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
