i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
