They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I did not marry a roomba.
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