Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
