She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
