Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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