Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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