I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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