New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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