before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
