I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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