If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
