i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
