That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
