dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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