He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
