Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
