Yo dont text me then not text me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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