We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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