dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
