nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is wine microwaveable?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
